Late Night Snack
Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash
I’m supposed to be writing a blog for HIHO but I’m sitting here staring at a blank document eating a poptart.
I’m eating the saddest kind of poptart. The one you get from a convenience store. It didn’t come in a pack. It wasn’t on a shopping list. It was individually wrapped and priced low enough to be reasonable but overpriced enough that you always kick yourself after thinking you should’ve just bought a box at the store. But you never end up buying it; when you’re buying produce and vegetables, a poptart box seems excessive, but somehow a poptart from 7-11 makes sense when it’s been a long day and you’re thinking of being budget conscious. I mean $1.29 isn’t that bad for something that is supposed to bring you temporary happiness. Maybe my snacks shouldn’t have jobs. It shouldn’t have to make me happy. It should just exist. Well, this poptart should exist without frosting. You’ll never find a poptart individually wrapped at 7-11 at 9pm on a Monday night without frosting. Those are only found in the box, the pandora’s box of snack food debauchery that tempts you with not one, not two, but THREE packs of poptarts.
I was furloughed from my job a week ago. It was everything all at once. It was sad, relieving, frustrating, scary, and everything else.
As you can tell my thoughts are random and tangent frequently.
When I read through the opening paragraph I realize that yes, the furlough has indeed been rough for me.
I was furloughed from my job a week ago. It was everything all at once. It was sad, relieving, frustrating, scary, and everything else. It ebbs and flows through me like the electric current turning the toaster wires orange to heat my poptart. It rises with crests of emotion, it sinks in heavy like a dense cloud covering the mountain tops of my soul. I am ok one minute and not ok the next. The worst part of it all is as someone who loves nonprofit work, someone who has only had nonprofit jobs in his adulthood, I totally understand the furlough, and I openly supported it.
I am the number 2 where I work. The number two administrator. We split supervision of all supervisors. At a time when COVID-19 has shut down our economy and slowed our revenue to a drip, a skeleton crew was needed. This is the reality of it all, do what you must to survive. Keep the ones that can keep everything running, in this scenario you do not need two bosses. My boss was gentle, kind, sorry, compassionate, but he wasn’t wrong. I told him so, I told him, “the ultimate goal is for the organization to live on long after we are not here anymore. We are part of the story and this is the necessary and difficult things that need to happen to survive. I totally get it. It’s the right call.” I said that as tears welled in my eyes.
as COVID took away my ability to continue working, it also took away any type of embrace that I could share with my boss, with the people I supervise, it took away even a handshake or a pat on the shoulder.
I knew in my heart it wasn’t about my talent, my passion, or me. But as COVID took away my ability to continue working, it also took away any type of embrace that I could share with my boss, with the people I supervise, it took away even a handshake or a pat on the shoulder.
COVID has taken this and so much more from families and the world. But I also understand that in the moment, sometimes you focus on what’s right in front of you and you end up feeling selfish. Why should I be upset that I’m not working when people are dying? Watch the news and see that people are applauding nurses and doctors, THEY are the ones who are suffering.
“Yeah but they’re working.”
You’re selfish.
“I’m not, I’m a good person.”
If you were a good person you’d have more empathy towards everyone else.
I have this conversation daily with myself. On one hand I feel ok, and when everything gets back to “normal” I’ll have a job again.
There is no normal.
“I know that, that’s something you say to make yourself feel better.”
This will not end anytime soon.
I am a world class glass-is-half-empty kind of guy. Everyone who knows me knows this about me and this is the worst thing that I can do for myself during this time. Seeing as how I’m terrible at self-care, I can trick myself into thinking of positive things by giving advice. Yeah that’s what I’ll do. Here are some things that you need to practice if you’re out of work or on furlough and you are arguing with yourself.
Practice self forgiveness and love
This is not about you. This is about a global pandemic that has taken thousands of lives and even more livelihoods away from people. You are a part of a larger problem that we’re all trying to figure out. It’s not personal and you’ll get through this because so many people are in this together.
Learn to listen
My wife and friends listened to me spin my tail, and at every level they said things that I wasn’t ready to hear. I stopped to listen and heard genuine concern, I heard love, and I heard that they cared about me. This helped me tremendously and helped drown out the negativity that I’m so good at carrying.
Do what you love
I love the nonprofit community and I love helping people. So I'm doing that and keeping my heart full. I am volunteering, I am delivering meals to those who need them, and I will soon try to learn how to do a podcast? I mean I have the time and I’m pretty confident I can do it. It will take time, it will take patience, and it will take the understanding that it will be ok in the end.
In the end, the philosophies that allow me to do new things like a podcast are the things I need to get back to for my furlough. It will take time, it will take patience, it will take understanding, and it will be ok in the end. I need to forgive myself and practice self-love. I need to listen to those who care about me and I need to do what I love. Things don’t always go as planned, but it’s a fact that poptarts can still be good even with frosting.
Are you the poptart or the frosting?
Shut it negative Ryan, either way I’m delicious and can’t wait to be of service to brighten someone’s day.
Post by: Ryan Leong, HIHO Co-Founder, HIHOBOD Vice-President, HIHOED Team Instructor ryan@hiho.org // Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash